I can’t believe I’ve had these 2 all to myself now for about a month. Of course there are hard, I want to pull my hair out, moments. But for the most part I am really enjoying each day. This week tho I’ve been dealing with some new feelings of frustration however. Having 2 little ones makes outings a thing of planning, determination and luck that all the planets align on my side.
With one kid errands, dinner, cleaning. And outings weren’t that hard… But with 1 mama and 2 kids, most of the things I could previously do require much more work now. I have slowed Down and not taken on as much or tried to outdo myself. But many days I jump in bed and reflect on my day before crashing hard, and wonder, “why am I so tired? All I did was sit at home with the kids all day?!”. Becoming a mom, and having a “do” kind of personality, I felt and feel like my worth as a mama is found in how much I do all day. Did I go to Target, Trader Joes and Whole Foods? Clean the house and pick up all the toys? Do a load of diaper and kid clothes while still having a husband approved lovely organic dinner on the table?! But I forgot I take the trash out and do a 4th load of laundry… It was only a B- day. I can DO better tomorrow.
But since having Isaac. And Brock gone for a long weekend, I haven’t kept up with my previous GoGoGo and DoDoDo mentality. I’ve been enjoying snuggles on the couch with both boys. Taking loads of picture, advantage of meals and help from friends and catching up on reading and my favorite books before the laundry was folded. But Isaac is over a month old now. I’m feeling guilty and like I should be back at my game by now. However I’m by sure things will ever or can return to the pace I was going.
So this “new normal” as I call it, is slowly coming and breaking me on its way. I’m trying ever so hard not to find my worth in how many errands I accomplished or play dates I committed too, friends I saw or even the cleanliness of my house. While all these things are fine and dandy, I’m trying not to define how I view
Myself as a mama based on such things. Are my boys clothes, fed, safe and generally happy? Have I met the needs of my husband and connected with him today?
It’s okay that Silas has watched a few more tv shows then 2 or played extra games on the iPad. Sitting on the couch together while Isaac scarfs his food down, gives us something to do together and learn while we do it and connect too!
I’m still working on this, but in not a loser of a mama because I haven’t done everything I feel I should have. There are many years to come for play dates and outings. I’m gonna enjoy these day to simplify, center and snuggle. And I’m gonna enjoy every minuet and be the best mama snuggler there is!!!