Here I am

This afternoon I was in the check out line at Trader Joes… I kind of was off in la-la land waiting for the cashier to ring me up and totally felt out of place.

It’s Saturday afternoon, and I’m grocery shopping. My basket is full of organic veggies and fruits, hummus and pita, fruit snacks, Sweet Iced Tea, organic brown eggs and gluten free waffles. I almost stopped and thought I had taken someone elses basket!

I realized too I was wearing this cute little boy, with a squishy cloth diapered butt in ring sling…

And I return to an empty house with no one home…

… I started thinking about my life and how vastly different it is today from what it was a year ago, and what I ever thought it would be. God’s brought me to a place of peace and happiness even in the midst of hardship and struggle at times.

There are so many things in my life that have changed. I’ve changed my views on parenting, on eating, on living, on vaccines, on what is important, on what is necessary, on love, and life…
Before Silas was born I was set on what I would do, and how I would do it for so many thing. But God has continued to change my heart, give me obstacles to over come, friends and family to teach and prod me, and I feel like I am daily becoming more of the women I always wanted to be and longed for, even though I was headed in a different direction before. God has broken my will to do things “my way” because I wanted to and thought this or that was best, and has given me an amazing little boy who needs things much differently that I had anticipated. At first I struggled with being a bad mom, and feeling like I gave into doing things a different way, but the more I pray and wait expectantly of my God, I realize all the lessons He is teaching me are for a reason.

So here’s to the cloth diapering, organic, baby wearing, attachment parenting, hippie mama I have become! I’m praising God for His faithfulness tonight. This might not be where I expected to be, but this is where He has brought me. Through loneliness, pain, heartache, confusion and fear, there is beauty in the breakdown, there is beauty in surrender. I am excited to see where He continues to lead me. I am waiting expectantly for the beauty to continue unfolding…


3 thoughts on “Here I am

  1. Deanna,I loved this entry! I've gone through the same thing. It's funny how you expect to parent one way long before you have kids, then they come and you form into someone else. Praise God for you happiness and his guidance!

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