it’s not all i thought it was #2…

…it’s not all i thought it was going to be.
but this is where i’m supposed to be right now.
so i’m embracing the person i didn’t decide to become, but am…

this has been a really big struggle for me lately.
i didn’t set out to be who i am today.
but as i read that statement i ask myself, “what ‘am i’ today?”
what is it i feel that defines me so, that i feel ashamed of who i am?

i have to reply to myself,

  • i am deanna mae buoniconti
  • bond servant to my God, a sinner saved by Grace.
  • wife, daughter, sister and friend.
  • a nanny

but what else? And this is where it all begins. i feel inadequate. i grapple with what the world says about me. what others think. i planned my life, i set high goals, i pushed hard. but what i found at the other end, was not what i wanted. at least not what i thought i wanted.

i planned to graduate, go to graduate school. i thought i would find fulfillment in a job. a job that people would be impressed with, and pat me on the back and say, ‘she’s done alright for herself!’

i feel discouraged that instead, 4 years later, i find myself here. where is that? married, an army wife. dependent on God for my every need. a nanny to a little boy. i drive the same car, live at home, and my dreams have not been realized. or so i think.

but even as i say that, i know that is not the case. while i was busy planning every turn and month of my life, until i felt accomplished, God has had other plans for me. i’m not sure why it’s so hard to except them. why do i measure myself to anyone else, but who it is God desires me to be?

this isn’t where i expected to be four some odd years ago. but this is where God has lead me, and molded me to be. while some may say i threw my life away to be so young and married? i am thankful for the husband God has blessed me with. i am glad He has broken me, to make me fully dependent on Him for my needs and desires. i may not have the job i once aspired to be. and while this is the hardest thing for me to surrender, i will praise Him for what He has provide. He has proved more than once that where i am, is where He wants me. and why should i be concerned about the monetary things of this world? status and wealth aren’t everything.

why is THIS the hardest lesson to learn?

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2 thoughts on “it’s not all i thought it was #2…

  1. You have spoken some of the very thoughts I have had… It is not easy to realize that you are disatisfied with where you have ended up in life, or where you think you have ended up, because this is hardly the end for us, but instead really the beginning. Just wanted to say that I hope you continue to find your fulfillment in Chirst, keep His perspective on life, and learn to enjoy who you are every step of the way. It’s a lesson I am still learning. Love you!

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