…it’s not all i thought it was going to be.
but this is where i’m supposed to be right now.
so i’m embracing the person i didn’t decide to become, but am…
this has been a really big struggle for me lately.
i didn’t set out to be who i am today.
but as i read that statement i ask myself, “what ‘am i’ today?”
what is it i feel that defines me so, that i feel ashamed of who i am?
i have to reply to myself,
- i am deanna mae buoniconti
- bond servant to my God, a sinner saved by Grace.
- wife, daughter, sister and friend.
- a nanny
but what else? And this is where it all begins. i feel inadequate. i grapple with what the world says about me. what others think. i planned my life, i set high goals, i pushed hard. but what i found at the other end, was not what i wanted. at least not what i thought i wanted.
i planned to graduate, go to graduate school. i thought i would find fulfillment in a job. a job that people would be impressed with, and pat me on the back and say, ‘she’s done alright for herself!’
i feel discouraged that instead, 4 years later, i find myself here. where is that? married, an army wife. dependent on God for my every need. a nanny to a little boy. i drive the same car, live at home, and my dreams have not been realized. or so i think.
but even as i say that, i know that is not the case. while i was busy planning every turn and month of my life, until i felt accomplished, God has had other plans for me. i’m not sure why it’s so hard to except them. why do i measure myself to anyone else, but who it is God desires me to be?
this isn’t where i expected to be four some odd years ago. but this is where God has lead me, and molded me to be. while some may say i threw my life away to be so young and married? i am thankful for the husband God has blessed me with. i am glad He has broken me, to make me fully dependent on Him for my needs and desires. i may not have the job i once aspired to be. and while this is the hardest thing for me to surrender, i will praise Him for what He has provide. He has proved more than once that where i am, is where He wants me. and why should i be concerned about the monetary things of this world? status and wealth aren’t everything.
why is THIS the hardest lesson to learn?