I’m 22 years old (Wow… first time I’ve gotten to say that!), I’m married, I have a college degree. I have a lot of things. I’m thankful God has blessed me with a lot more. But i guess when i was younger, or even a couple years ago, i would have said i would have it all figured out by now. That i SHOULD have it all figured out by now. Settled down. Starting a family. Set in my career. Have a house. Life should be great. Life should be a piece of cake. Life should be smooth sailing and peaceful. But this, i have come to find, is anything but true.
Growing up i thought everyone gets married when they’re 20. Being 8 years younger than my sister Sharyl, i just thought that was how everyone was. You got married at 18. You get pregnant a year later. Have a baby by 20. Have another one, move and settle down (and repeat a couple more times!). I looked up to her and wanted to be just like her…. we’ll, still do in most ways! But i always thought, I’ll learn from her mistakes. I won’t be “poor”. I wont make the same bad decisions.. err make the mistakes she did. Maybe i have made “better” decisions and saved myself some un-needed grief. But in many ways i thought i was smarter and wouldn’t end up here. Wondering where God was leading. Wondering why Brock doesn’t have a job. Wondering all these things. I thought I’d have it figured out. Think i should have it figured out. Feel I’ve worked hard on these things so i wouldn’t have to be scared.
But just like Jeff talked about in Church this morning (seriously, you have to check out Jeff’s sermon if you didn’t hear it HERE), marriage isn’t about being happy. Life isn’t about being happy. Marriage, just like i believe life too is, about making us Holy. Refining us. Molding us. Changing us. Growing us. Bringing us to be closer to our Maker, like our Maker, and for our Maker. How do i rest in this? How do i come to peace with this tho?
I feel like things are moving fast. But too slow at the same time. Everything depends on Brock’s job. Where and when. Here, OC, or there, Nashville. We can’t get a home until Brock gets a job. What about loans. Did you ever think that buying a house could be so complicated? I sure didn’t. How do we be financially responsible, and make good choices when those don’t seem to collide with what keeps us together. It’s really hard for me to process all these things and make a plan. But maybe that’s what God is teaching me. I have to let go. Trust. Keep Trusting until I’ve completely let go.
So why is life so hard? Why are there so many choices to make in life? And why does it have to be hard?